When he saw the newspaper they had brought along with the item, "Dr. Fang Returns Home," and the
full-length picture taken the day before beside it, he felt so ashamed he couldn't bear to look at it. Blue
Glasses' hand gripping his right shoulder showed clearly in the picture, added to which, the side view
of his own startled expression made it look exactly like a photograph of someone catching a thief.Blue
Glasses, a man of great learning, said he hadlong heard that Carle ton University was the most famous
institution of higher learning in the en tire world, on a par with Tsing-hua University.The reporter carrying
the camera asked Hung-chien what observations he had on the world situation and whether a Sino-
Japanese war would break out. Fang Hung-chien finally managed to send them on their way, though
not before he had written inscriptions: "The Mouthpiece of the People,"for Blue Glasses' newspaper,
and "The Mirror of Truth,"for Camera's newspaper.Just as Hung-chien was about to go out visiting, his
father's old friend, Principal Lu of the district's provincial high school, came to invite his father,him, and
his brother to breakfast the next morning at a teahouse and later asked him to give a lecture to the
summer school students on "A Reevaluation of the Influences of Western Civilization on Chinese
History." Hung-chien dreaded giving lectures and was going to beg off on some pretext. Then to his
chagrin his father readily accepted the invitation for him. He could only stifle a snort, in such hot weather,
to have to put on a long gown and vest, speak rubbish and stink with sweat, if it isn't a living hell, what is
it? he thought. Educators sure have a different mentality from ordinary people!
Mr. Fang, hoping his son would win praises for his "scholarly family background," dug out from a chest
several volumes of string-bound Chinese texts, such as Wen-tzu t'ang-chi,8 Kuei-ssu lei-kao,9 Ch'i-ching
lou-chi,'0 and T'an-ying lu,11 instructing Hung-chien to look through them carefully for his lecture material.
Hung-chien read all afternoon with deep interest, greatly broadening his knowledge. He learned that the
Chinese were square and hon est by nature, so they said the sky was square. Foreigners were round
about and cunning and therefore maintained that the earth was round; the heart of the Chinese was
located in the center, while a Westerner's heart tilted slightly to the left. The opium imported from the West
was poisonous and should be banned. The nature of the soil in China was mild, therefore opium produced
there would not be addictive. Syphilis, that is, smallpox, came from the West, and so on. Such a pity that
while these items of information were all very interesting, they could not be used in the lecture. He would
have to read something else. That day after returning home from dinner at his uncle's house with his eyes
blurred from drink, he flipped through four or five history textbooks and worked up a draft of over one
thousand words with a couple of jokes inserted. This kind of preparation did not tax his brains any, though
he did lose some blood to the mosquitoes.The next morning at the teahouse, after he had the usual soup
noodle- the fourth snack-dish to be served,Principal Lu paid the bill and urged Hung chien to start off. Each
hurriedly took his long gown from the waiter and de parted. Feng-i stayed with Mr. Fang for a cup of tea.
The school auditorium was already filled with students-over two hun dred boys and girls. Accompanied to
the stage by Principal Lii, Fang Hung chien felt his whole body tingle and itch from having so many eyes
focused on him, and walking became difficult.
After he had seated himself on the stage, the haze before his eyes lifted, and he noticed that those sitting in
the front row seemed to be the faculty. At the recording secretary's desk set close to the stage was a girl
student, the waves of whose new permanent were so stiff that they seemed to have been painted on.
Everyone in the auditorium was whispering back and forth, appraising him with great curiosity. He silent
ly enjoined his cheeks, Don't blush! You mustn't turn red! He regretted hav ing removed his sunglasses
when he entered. With two pieces of black glass in front of his eyes, it would have seemed as though he
too were hidden in heavy darkness, and he would have felt less embarrassed.Principal Lii was already
delivering his introduction.Hung-chien hast ily reached into the pocket of his gown to feel around for his
lecture notes only to find they were missing. He broke out in a nervous sweat.Oh, no! he thought. How
could I have lost something so important? When I left the house I distinctly remember putting them into
the pocket of my gown. Ex cept for a few opening sentences, he, in his fright, had forgotten the rest of his
speech. He searched his memory for all he was worth, but it was like trying to hold water in a sieve. Once
he grew panicky, he couldn't focus his attention. His threads of thought would get knotted up, then come
loose. A few vague facts remained, but it was like waiting for a person in a busy place. You catch a glimpse
of someone in the crowd who looks like him, only to find he's gone when you go over to get him. Just as his
mind was playing"hide-and-seek," Principal Lii bowed and asked him to speak. This was fol lowed by a
round of applause. He had just stood up when he noticed Feng-i rushing into the auditorium, breathless.
Seeing that the lecture had already begun, Feng-i found an empty seat and sat down in despair. Hung-
chien suddenly realized that as he was leaving the teahouse, he had put on Feng-i's gown by mistake.
Both gowns belonged to Feng-i and were of identical color and material. Such being the case, he'd just
have to screw up his courage, brace himself, and spout some nonsense.
When the applause had died down, Fang Hung-chien forced a smile and began, "Principal Lii, members
of the faculty, and students: Though your applause was welbmeaning, it is actually quite unjustified.
Applause indicates satisfaction with the speech. Now before I have even begun, you have already
applauded with satisfaction.Why should I have to go on? You should all listen to the lecture first, then clap
a few times as you wish,letting me leave the stage with dignity. Now that you've clapped at the start, if my
lecture can't live up to such enthusiastic applause, it'll put me in the embarrassing position of having been
paid without being able to deliver the goods."The audience roared with laughter. The recording secretary
was also smiling as her pen flew across the paper. Fang Hung-chien hesitated. What should he say next?
He still remembered a few of the points and views put forth in the string-bound texts, but as for the history
textbooks he had skimmed through after dinner, there wasn't even a trace left. Those con founded textbooks!
it's amazing that I could have learned all that stuff for examinations when I was a student! Ah, now I have it!
At least it's better than nothing. "As for the influence of Western civilization on Chinese his tory, you can find
that in any history textbook. There's no need for me to repeat it. You all know that the first time China officially
came in contact with European thought was in the middle of the Ming dynasty [1368-1644]. For this reason
Catholics always refer to this period as the Chinese Renaissance. Actually, the science brought by the
Catholic priests of the Ming dynasty is now out of date, while the religion they brought has never been up to
date. In the last several hundred years of overseas communication, there are only two items from the West
which have been lasting in Chinese society as a whole. One is opium, and the other is syphilis.These are
what the Ming dy nasty assimilated of Western civilization."
Most of the audience laughed, a small number gasped in astonishment, and a few of the teachers
scowled. The recording-secretary's face flushed crimson, and her pen stopped, as if by hearing Fang
Hung-chien's last remark her virgin ears had lost their chastity in front of the audience. Principal Lii uttered
a warning cough behind Hung-chien. By this time Fang Hung-chien was just like a man getting out of bed
on a cold winter morning. Having managed after the greatest of efforts to hop from the covers, he just has to
bear the cold long enough to dress. There was no backing out now."Opium was originally called 'foreign
tobacco'"Hung-chien noticed one of the teachers, who seemed to be an old instructor of Chinese, fanning
himself and shaking his head, and he quickly added, "'Foreign' refers, of course, to the 'Western Ocean' of '
Cheng Ho's Voyages to the Western Ocean, for according to the Ta-Ming hui-tien,opium was an article of
tribute from Siam and Java. But in the earliest literary work in Europe, Homer's Odyssey"-the old man's bald
pate seemed to be overwhelmed by that last foreign word-"there appears what is said to be this very thing.
As for syphilis"Principal Lii coughed several times in succession-"it is without doubt an imported
commodity from the West. Schopenhauer hassaid that syphilitic sores were the most distinctive feature
of modern European civilization. If you have not had the opportunity to read the original, you can very easily
read Hsii Chih-mo's'1 translation of the French novelCandide to learn something about the origins of syphilis.
The disease was brought by Western ers after the Cheng-te period of the Ming dynasty. The ill effects of
these two things were of course unlimited,but, nonetheless, one cannot dismiss them out of hand.
Opium inspired many works of literature. Whereas ancient poets sought inspiration from wine, modern
European and American poets all find inspiration in opium. Syphilis transmits idiocy, insanity, and
deformity by heredity, but it is also said that it is capable of stimulating genius. For example-"At this point
Principal Lu coughed himself hoarse.When Hung-chien had finished speaking, and while the clapping in
the audience was still going strong,Principal Lii, with a long face and a hoarse voice,said a few words of
thanks: "Today we have had the honor of hearing Dr. Fang tell us several novel views.We have found it
highiy interesting. Dr. Fang is the son of an old friend of mine. I watched him grow up and I know how much
he enjoys telling jokes. It is very hot today, so he has intentionally made his lecture humorous. I hope in
the future we will have the opportunity to hear his ear nest and solemn discourse. But I'd like to tell Dr. Fang
that our school li brary is filled with the spirit of the New Life Movement.17 It certainly has no French novels"
With this he struck the air with his hand.
Hung-chien was too embarrassed even to look at the audience.Before the day was over many people had
learned that Fang's son, just returned from study abroad, publicly advocated smoking opium and visiting
brothels. When this came to Mr. Fang's ears, he did not realize it was the result of his having instructed
his son to look through the string-bound texts. Though he did not approve of what his son said, he could
not very well get angry over it. The fighting at Wusung on August 13, 1937, occurred soon afterwards and
Fang Hung-chien's prank was mentioned no more. Those interested in making him their son-in-law,
however,could not forget his lecture, and they assumed he had led a life of profligacy while abroad. If
they went to the Matchmaker's Temple at West Lake to draw lots before the idols, they would probably
end up with tally number four, which read, "That this man should have this disease. ." Such a young
man would never do as a son-in-law. One after another they deferred discussion of marriage on the
grounds that the times were unstable and asked the Fangs for the return of their daughters' pictures
and horoscopes. Extremely disheartened by it all, Mrs. Fang could not get the Hsiis' second daughter
off her mind. Hung-chien,however, was quite unperturbed.Now that fighting had broken out, Mr. Fang,
a prominent squire in the village, was in charge of local security matters. Remembering the "January
28th Incident"20 when the district had not suffered enemy bombing, the in habitants of the district
assumed that this too was nothing important and were not particularly alarmed.
